Sometimes having a pity party is easier than accepting responsibility and trying to make a conscious change in our lives. While I like to give ourselves permission to feel negative every now and then, a pity party is when we become addicted to these toxic emotions, and this can greatly inhibit our self-esteem and personal growth.

Listen. I understand that people feel bad about themselves every now and then. That’s normal. We all go through times when we make mistakes, we embarrass ourselves, we don’t live up to our expectations, or disappoint others. And I truly believe that giving ourselves permission to feel negative emotions, every now and again, is a necessary element of emotional intelligence.

The problem with negative emotions is that we sometimes become addicted to them, like a drug. We become so conditioned and attached to our frustrations, our anger, our sadness, and our guilt, and we begin to depend on these feelings in order to feel alive.

Instead of recognizing our emotions as only passing expressions of our current situation in life, we begin to identify ourselves with these feelings. We can’t imagine a day going by without them. We wake up every morning and we begin to anticipate their arrival…and sure enough, they usually come.

In many ways, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect to feel like shit and those expectations cause us to act in ways that reinforce that fact. This is how many people get caught in having “pity parties.”

A pity party is an excessive and unproductive way of experiencing grief, in which you spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is, without ever doing anything about it.

Often we have these pity parties all by ourselves. For weeks, months, or even years at a time we may come home from work or school, then run up to our room, lock ourselves in it, crash on our beds, curl up in a ball, munch on Doritos, and then try to sleep for the rest of the day. Maybe we don’t even go to school or work anymore.

Common symptoms of a “pity party” include:

Persistent low self-esteem.

Constant feelings of frustration, sadness, or anger toward life.

Excessive negative self-talk (such as “I’m no good.” or “Nobody likes me.”) and complaining.

Lots of ruminating on past events.

Not motivated to go to school, work, or fulfill other obligations.

Poor diet, excessive eating, and/or substance abuse.

Indulging in too much TV, movies, music, or videogames.

Feeling lethargic and lazy for most of the day.

Lots of day-time sleeping.

No real plans, hopes, or dreams for the future.

Identifying oneself as “the victim” in most situations.

Indifference to others or wanting others to feel bad for you.

The most unhealthy thing about any pity party is that we do everything but actually confront our problems. Instead, we run away from responsibility by feeling sorry for how pathetic we are as human beings.
Perhaps even worse, we carry this attitude with us wherever we go and it begins to pollute our relationships. Our negative attitude and gloomy demeanor become an emotional contagion. This means that the people who are surrounded by you begin to pick up on your negative vibes and feel down themselves.

Most people don’t want to hang around others who make them feel like crap unless they themselves already feel like crap. Due to this, we begin to attract toxic individuals which only help to refuel our own toxicity. Our social circle becomes a feedback loop of toxic emotions – and the pity party continues to grow.

Click here to read more about canceling your RSVP to the pity party.

About the Author – Steven is a personal development blogger who practices what he preaches. Check out his personal development blog called The Emotion Machine.