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Don’t over-exaggerate your ex’s good points and under-acknowledge their bad. Do not put your ex on a pedestal!
The funny thing about being ‘dumped’ is that we unconsciously build up our ex’s worth in our minds. We start to make them into better beings than they really are, erroneously making them to be more powerful and ‘needed’ influences in our lives. Unfortunately, while we are building them up to Higher Power status in our minds, they are ripping our worth to shreds in order to find the strength to leave us.
2. Accept It
Accept that the breakup did occur and that the relationship is over. By refusing to accept this you are only lengthening the grief process. You cannot keep a relationship alive in your ‘head’ by denying the breakup occurred, or by thinking about the relationship and rehashing things over and over. Whether you accept it or not the facts still remain: You have broken up. The relationship is over. And you will be okay. I promise you!
3. Put ‘You’ First
If you don’t find value in you, who will? Pamper and love yourself first and foremost. This is not the time to turn your back on you, but rather a time to embrace you. God made your arms just long enough to embrace yourself. Try it. No one is looking! Go ahead and put your arms around you and give yourself a huge, cradling hug! Of all the people in your life, you are the only one that will never abandon you.
4. Write Your Thoughts Down
Start your own personal journal about your journey from your heartbreak to ‘better-than-ever’. I know one man who kept a record of his breakup by posting on the Lifted Hearts break up board at http://liftedhearts.com, starting from his devastating beginning days, to his healed and in love again days, and then turned them into an awesome book of self-discovery and hope. You can find a great source made specifically for journaling through your breakup with the book, My Breakup Keepsake, found at http://mybreakupkeepsake.com.
5. Forgive Him or Her
Find forgiveness for your ex – and for yourself. It is impossible to heal without forgiveness. Understand that your ex isn’t looking to hurt you, but rather looking to find his or her own happiness.
6. Accept That You Love Them
Recognize that you cannot will yourself to not love someone. You loved your ex, and perhaps you always will. Quit beating yourself up over the fact and quit trying to find the magic bullet that will slay your love. It’s okay to love someone that you are not with, and may never be with, but it’s not okay to try to fall out of love with someone.
7. Make a Plan
Get a goal and implement it. Plan out your new goal and start with step one, not finishing until you’ve accomplished the final step. This goal could be to write a book, grow a garden, change careers, go back to school, or lose twenty pounds…having a goal gives you something to focus on and work towards. It keeps you from dwelling on what was and keeps you avidly looking forward to what ‘will’ be.
8. Change It Up
Get rid of the same-ol’-same! Alter your routine, rearrange your home, or remodel a room. Get a new hairdo, buy a new car, volunteer at a local charity…. anything that changes your typical lifestyle can be most rewarding during a breakup. Sometimes the old and the ‘familiar’ can be devastatingly sad when going through the transition from two to one, so change it up!
9. Keep Yourself Clean – and You Know What I Mean!
This is not the time to turn to alcohol, drugs, or one-nights stands in a feeble attempt to kill your pain. It only adds to your problems and can end up being a permanent reminder to a temporary situation. Even simple things such as energy drinks or too much caffeine can cause anxiety or escalate out-of-hand emotions to full-blown panic attacks – which are a very common occurrence during a breakup. Learn to cope with out-of-hand emotions by spirituality, soothing music, sipping tea, taking a ‘time-out’, reading a book, or – my favorite – walking! I walked myself into the sexiest legs and prettiest tan during my breakup. What an added bonus that was!
10. Date Again
Don’t worry about all the advice you hear about waiting to date again. Most of it’s bunk. Dating again gets you out of the house, where breakup depression can fester and turn into something far worse. Dating again always restores a shattered ego, which is a very common by-product of a breakup. Dating again may also show you that there are millions of other people out there that can be as wonderful as your ex, or perhaps even more wonderful! If you open your heart back up and let new people in you will feel better.
By Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru
About the Author – For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru. For help with winning an ex back, stopping a breakup, getting over a broken heart, or any other relationship issue, please visit Tigress Luv and The Lifted Hearts Community at http://liftedhearts.com
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These are all great tips. I have a friend who should have this on her refrigerator, right next to her grocery list.
LOL
Each of these steps is just as important as the last, I think. I’d put “make a plan” higher on the list, I think, but other than that, this is all so true and very good advice.
(And yes, I realize these weren’t meant to be in any particular order, but it’s so important.)
It is also important to maintain a personal life. So many people stop doing the things they enjoy, in favor of doing only those things their partner enjoys or approves of.
You have to maintain your own life. It makes things a little easier if you retain your individuality.
These are wonderful tips and if everyone would take them, there’d be a lot less unhappy break-ups.
I could have used these tips years ago. As it is my niece is going through a break-up right now and I will have to pass these tips on to her.
Individuality… so very important, I agree! When someone is so wrapped up in another that they lose a sense of self, it’s even harder than usual if a breakup happens.
That is so true that it is even harder to find your identity when you are going through a break up.
SageMother, LOL! We could have made use of this list at one time or another in our lives!
Katharina, isn’t weird that since we are not in a *break-up* situation that we can totally prioritize…..
It’s good to have it handy for when you really need it.
SageMother, regardless of which direction a relationship is heading, people should always retain their own individuality.
I love to do things with my husband, but there are activities that I make him do on his own, and same with me. It works very well with us.
You know, Diva, that time spent doing things without the spouse really makes me appreciate him more.
He is also more interesting. His individual pursuits bring spice to a life that could get pretty boring if we acted like Siamese Twins1
There are some great comments to this one. I find the last few thoughts extra interesting.
Wish there’d be some stats about relationships staying together when a lot of time is spent together vs. those who have individual interests.
debrajean, Is there really such a thing as an happy breakup…. ?
Some great tips, it can be tough when you break up with someone and lists like this would help some people.
SageMother, I believe in the same thing.
I prefer that my husband has his own interests and I have my own. That doesn’t mean that we don’t do things together either.
For example, he takes to salsa dance classes a week that I don’t go to. Even if I know that there are a lot of cute girls in his class, this is something that I want him to do on his own. Just like I like having coffee with my friends (guys and girls) without him so that I can get stuff off my chest that I normally wouldn’t do if he was around.
Katharina, if I find stats like that online, I’ll be sure to put together a followup post.
I like this advice and find it very sound. It always seems to come down to us getting over our own hurdles, which is such a difficult thing to do at times.
Cheers!
Nancy, wouldn’t you say that *breaking up* is the worst procrastination us humans do????
I know I don’t like changes and I used to get into this habit of …. waiting for reality to just dump a bucket of cold water on my head before I actually smarten up and do the deed.
This is a great list and very helpful. I especially liked the one about writing down your thoughts. That’s so therapeutic.
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