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I recently read an article about the “other woman” who finally got “the man” and then he cheats on her. She is totally getting what she deserves because she was stupid enough to get involved with a married man. Reality has not dawned on her that he did not give up everything – “his wife and daughter” – to be with her. His wife probably kicked him out and he had nowhere else to go. So while she’s now supporting him because he has no money, he’s sleeping around in plain view.
What even annoys me more is the fact that a serial cheater like Sipho thinks that his wife chooses to look the other way while he has his affairs. He says he will never leave his wife because what they have is “special” and he wants it to last forever. So he is on his third affair with his wife’s friend whose husband left her for another woman. “The truth is, lonely women need a man like me and I can’t resist them either. It’s not serious – just affectionate fun.” I seriously don’t think any form of professional help will be able to help Sipho because then he’ll have to do away with his super hero complex. Dr. Alan Riley is right when he says “What’s more likely is that men who compulsively seek new sexual partners are actually deeply insecure and feel a continual need for reassurance that their manhood is potent.”
In my opinion, serial cheaters will never change. It is life as they know it. Life is all about choices, so why chose to get dragged into a life of insecurity, distrust and hurt? Just because they lead a screwed up life doesn’t mean yours has to be one too.
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I do not think I would ever get involved with someone that was a cheater. One has to wonder, if they did it someone else, why would they not do it to you too?
Very true… I never understood it either. I also don’t know how anyone could just “forget” that it happened, even if it was only once.
Even worse is when the partner who was cheated on uses the “oh, I’m sure it was my fault” excuse.
You know Sharon, how can someone still go out with someone when they know that person is a serial cheater? For the life of me I can’t understand some women! No offense to all you women out there.
I am one of those people that have a hard time trusting to begin with so I really don’t think I could ever date a so called serial cheater.
Some people aren’t monogamous. If a guy has cheated already, I think it is safe to assume he isn’t monogamous and to give him a wide berth if monogamy is a requirement for the relationship you seek.
Cheaters will never change… they got so used to it, it becomes a habit! I myself can’t understand such woman who puts up with a worthless man who cheats on her again and again.. why? They can’t live with themselves? So what if a woman have to spend her life alone than to be hurt again and again? I hope I won’t be that stupid *touch wood*
Kinda superstitious for the saying – what goes around, comes around hehe
I think some women stay with serial cheaters because they have low self esteem. They are afraid or not confident enough to get out of the relationship.
If someone- guy or girl- cheats once, leaves their original partner for a new partner they are just as likely to do it again. Infact some may be more likely as subconsciously the cheater will feel that his/her behavior has been condoned by the new partner already. And so the vicious cycle continues…
Low self esteem must definitely be one of the major reasons… then again, how can getting self esteem stepped on every time he cheats be benefical? Maybe it’s more like she’s convinced herself (or he if the cheater is a female) that she can’t make it on her own.
My current partner has cheated before, on an ex, but I’m positive that everything has come to an end. People can change, but only if they really want to. There has to be a reason for change.
EviesEarth, people do change, but if you already know their past relationship history….. it really is not a smart move to start a relationship with a known cheater.
Katharina, I actually have heard people buy the excuse “I didn’t want to hurt you that’s why I didn’t tell you” or “I was trying to spare your feelings”.
Oh, please.
Nick, I don’t understand it either. Especially when there are some really good men out there that are single also looking for really great women.
Tater03, I guess there is no excuse if you already know that this person cheats on their relationship partner all the time.
It’s different when you don’t know the person and then you find out.
I really have to agree that a lot of times people stay due to low self esteem and if you are being told you are worthless and cannot make it on your own I can see how people would sometimes end up staying.
Sometimes they feel like they really love that person and just want to believe that they will change. They even blame themselves, for the most part.
SageMother, you would think that is just common sense…. but somehow, I don’t think a lot of people think before diving in to a relationship.
Melbie LOL! No one could be really that stupid…. but hey, I’ve been there not only once, but twice *or maybe three* – who’s counting …..
Well I think that the majority of time it’s not like somebody introduces themselves with “Hey, nice to meet you. I cheated on my ex by the way.” Sometimes you don’t find out until you are already well into a relationship.
Jewel’s right… and it’s not the type of thing someone announces during one of the first few dates. I agree that people can change… but I’ve truly seen VERY little proof that cheaters suddenly stop just because of a good relationship.
At some point, I think they eventually have to realize that it is pointless and then really want to settle down. But, then they shouldn’t be surprised if the person they decide to settle down with turns around and cheats on them!
Low self esteem may play a role in someone staying with a cheater, but usually there are other factors. The idea that you can turn someone around, the idea that being devoted is one’s purpose in life, and even a bit of emotional masochism all play into the reasoning behind staying.
EviesEarth, I think so too. Low self esteem is always the culprit when it comes to us settling for second best.
And that’s really what it’s all about, when you keep on looking the other way when your partner is cheating.
Katharina, it could also be emotionally dependence.
I know a girlfriend who still can’t get past the fact of *how she can live without him* that she has not stopped to re-evaluate the situation. She needs to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about how he’s doing her wrong!
Timmy Taylor, that is really good logic on your part on the behavioural pattern of cheaters.
Should we still love those who just can’t help themselves?
Jewel, and that happens all the time. I know I’ve been there.
But there are just some that blatantly advertises themselves. I mean, how stupid can that be that a woman who sleeps around with a married man doesn’t expect that he’ll do that to her also?
Tater03, I also can see why people stay in this type of relationship.
I have a girlfriend who doesn’t bat an eye and always has an excuse for it whenever we tell her that she needs to live him.
Trick-r-treat, yes, that can be true to some extent.
But to think of all the depression that goes with thinking that way and knowing that your husband is off somewhere with another woman.
That would just kill me!
Jewel, serial cheaters are quite different from those partners who fell into temptation at one time.
And it doesn’t sound like yours fall into that pattern.
You must know men you just know you won’t touch with a 10 foot pole because they have done so many *bad* bad things.
Katharina, I believe in karmic fate and if you are not with the person you are meant to be. You will end up leaving him *or her* for someone else.
However, a roving eye for the eye candies I can’t stand. Now, those, never just change overnight.
Trick-r-treat, I’d like to be a fly on the wall when that happens!
LOL! Karma has a way of biting people in the *ass* for all the bad things they’ve done!
Katharina, I know I probably think differently than most, and I won’t be surprised if most women don’t agree with me…. but I think that is one of the biggest downfall of our gender.
There is always that need to change something and we will give it so much time to make it change. And when things don’t go as planned, we always say *if only I can change this and things will be much better*.
I agree that some things just aren’t going to work and often people think (in retrospect) that a certain change would have made some kind of difference.
Katharina, we just have to accept that some things…. or people…. don’t and can’t change.
We either learn to live with it or walk away.
Like one of my girlfriends use to say to me – *if you put up with it, don’t come crying to me because I don’t want to hear it*.
“serial cheaters are men who are insecure and need constant reassurance that their manhood is potent”
Yeah, that just about sums it up. I knew a man just like that. I let him “reassure” himself w/me for years, b4 “re-assessing” and then had to “reassure” myself that I could do much better.
you fall in love with them and don’t want to live without them. 75% of men cheat. out of the other 25% a lot are already married or not compatible. 60% of women cheat. try couples therapy, put up with it or leave are the only options. it’s not low self esteem if you choose to love someone even though they have cheated. the cheater usually loves their spouse. there may be good things about the relationship that are worth staying with them and trying to salvage the relationship.
“Insecurity” and “low self esteem” are handy labels to use when trying to protect one’s self from the pain of dealing with a serial cheater. The terms paint the cheater as a flaws human and make the offended person feel better, but in the end, some people just aren’t monogamous.
Their insecurities and low self esteem is what drives them into repeated attempts at monogamy, IMHO.
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